Saturday, November 21, 2009

Vinyl at Goodwill

I stopped in the Goodwill store today to browse through their vinyl.

90% of it was classical composers.

Does this say something about the people who donate there, or the people who shop there?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Humans are Retards

Ok... Cavemen were called "cavemen" because.... well... they lived in.... wait for it.... CAVES!


According to, a cave is: a hollow in the earth

So basically the walls, ceiling, and floor are all rock or dirt....

Well, cavemen eventually discovered fire... They figured out that wood is totally flammable, and burns great!

"We can totally burn wood, and stay warm and all we have to do is sweep up the ashes!!" - Some caveman

So... at what point did MAN... the braniac who figured out that wood is highly flammable... decide to move out of the rock/dirt cave... and into a home made of..... yep, wood?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

How To Make Ramen Noodles (The Right Way)

Forget what the package says about making Ramen. If you follow those directions you'll end up with crap stew.

Here's the absolute best way in the world to make Ramen:

First, beat the hell out of the ramen. Smash it all up inside the bag.

Then, get a pot of water boiling. It doesn't matter if it's 2 cups or 55 cups. As long as theres enough water to cover the noodles and keep them covered for 3 minutes while boiling:

After the water is boiling, toss in your crushed up noodles. Be sure to keep that sweet, sweet flavor packet to the side:

Now, let the noodles boil for 3 minutes. You may stir occasionally if you'd like to feel like you're really cooking something:

Now, once that's done boiling, grab a colander:

Pour the ramen pot into the colander, and strain off all the water. Do not rinse!!! Then after the water is pretty much out of the noodles, pour the noodles in a bowl:

Now take the heavenly goodness that is the Ramen noodle flavor packet, and pour it right on top of your freshly cooked noodles:

Now, stir the flavoring throughout the noodles:

And voila! Now, instead of "Chicken Broth with Plain Noodles" (which is what you'd end up with if you followed the instructions on the package), you end up with "Chicken Flavored Noodles" and they are freaking AWESOME!!!!

Even if youve tried Ramen before, but cooked the crap stew that the instructions say to cook... try this - its great!!!

** DISCLAIMER ** I am not responsible for any health related issues due to the sodium intake from preparing ramen this way. Thats what makes it so good! If you can't have lots of salt, or are on some weird ass low-sodium diet, go eat a rice cake!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Famous Footwear Fails... 1.... 2.... 3 times!

Famous Footwear might be good at providing a good price on shoes, but they fail miserably when it comes to the Internet...

Fail #1:
I received a shipping confirmation from them that my order had shipped. It said the shipping method was UPS ground, and listed my tracking number, and a link to track my package. I clicked the link and it took me to which informed me I entered an incorrect tracking number. I checked that the number that was being tracked was the same as the one listed in my email, it was.

So I went to Famous Footwear's website and logged into my account. There was an option to track my order so I clicked it. It took me to which informed me that my package was indeed en route, and was last checked in West Virginia.

Fail #2:
I clicked on the Contact Us link to inform Famous Footwear of their utter failure in correctly listing and linking to the shipping provider in their confirmation email. However, instead of an email address to send my correspondence to, it provides me with a web form through which I must make my comment.

Not to go off on a tangent here, but I HATE!!!!! companies that make you submit comments or questions via a web form. HATE IT!!! Volkswagen of America makes you do this and has like a 200 character limit on their form. How the fuck am I supposed to make an intelligent comment or question in 200 characters or less? how do u swtch 2 a rabit? Like that? What the fuck!?!?!

Anyways, So I type the following into the form (without the hyphens of course):

The email you sent me for shipping confirmation contained the following:

Shipping Method: UPS Ground
Tracking number for this item: 9102185456352039968967
Please allow 1-2 days for tracking information to appear.

The tracking number was linked, and clicking it took me to tracking site, trying to track the number.

UPS site said it was an invalid tracking number.

So I logged into your website, and tracked it, and your site tracked it properly, but it is a FedEx shipment, not UPS.

So my comment is basically that your confirmation email was incorrect in both the Shipping Method, as well as the link to track my shipment.



So I hit submit, and it says: "No special characters allowed" and will not let me submit the comment.

Thinking the colons might be the problem, I remove them. Same error. So I remove ALL the punctuation.... same problem.... WTF!?!?

Fail #3:
I erase all the above that I had typed, and type the following:

Your shipping confirmation email is wrong, and this form im typing you this comment is is broken. It wont let me send you my comments, so if you're interested, email me

Click submit, and I get: "No special characters allowed"

Maybe the letter 'c' is now considered a special character!?!? I don't know...

So I erase it and simply type: This form is broke

It worked fine, and sent my comments along.

Friday, July 31, 2009

I don't get flies at all

What the hell? A fly lands near you, you swat at it, it flies away, then comes right back....

I don't think flies have the self preservation gene that every other animal in Wild Kingdom haves.

If I went to McDonalds, and every time I tried to place my order, the cashier would try to kill me, I don't think I'd be going back to McDonalds....

There's either a synapse in the flies brain that ain't connecting, or all flies are retarded. Either way... How are you gonna try to land on my beer 45 times, when I'm totally trying to squash your ass every time you land on it?

I think the lifespan of a fly is really short, so maybe that has something to do with it... Maybe they're like: i got 2 days to live... I'm drinking beer if it kills me!!

Flies are still annoying...

-- Post From My iPhone

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson's Death

No one cares! He was a pedophile and a jackass...

Corey Feldman: you're a washed up 80's child actor. No one cares what you think! Get a job!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

MPAA, RIAA, Software Groups, Torrents and Lawsuits

Ok.... my initial question is: Is it illegal for me to download a torrented copy of a title I own, which I legally purchased from a retailer?

For example, I own The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion... I bought it al Wal-Mart. I have the disc in my hand as I type this...

But typing with one hand is difficult, so I'm setting it aside....

Anyway, I own the game, but it is scratched to shit, and will not install. So I downloaded a torrented copy. Have I broken any laws? I personally do not see how I could have broken any laws. The law gives me the ability to keep a backup copy in case of disc failure. So this is my backup copy. I've given them my $50, and they've given me the rights to own, install, and play the game....

That being said, the real question behind my post is that when someone gets served court papers for downloading torrents, it always spells out the specific titles. Why then, do these people not go out and purchase the titles (if they do not already own them) and claim fair use as a defense. I would think if you sent an correspondence to the MPAA, RIAA, or software company, with a scan of the store bought copy of the disc and explained that it was too scratched to be read, they would have no choice but to drop the suit.

Now I understand that those that SHARE files would not be covered by this, but I've read many news articles where people get sued, and LOSE for downloading torrents. I just think this would be a foolproof way to get the suit dropped. Sure it might cost you a couple hundred bucks if there are many titles.... but it's cheaper than a $50,000 fine....

Thursday, June 11, 2009

XM Radio and Fungus 53

Oh, how I love it when XM sends me solicitations to rejoin...

Because they always come with a postage paid envelope....

Here's my latest reply:

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Central Virginia Vintage Volkswagens - C3V

How do you know the local VW car club ( you joined isn't right for you?

When one of the founding members sends you the following email:


If this is to much drama for you to comprend,stay off of this sight!!!!!

What a fucking douchebag...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Hey BB&T - Enter the 21st Century! Hell! Enter the 20th Century!

I just bought me a new Hyundai Accent as you probably noticed from a few posts earlier....

Well I got my Loan Statement in the mail from BB&T a few days ago, and my payment is due, so I signed onto their website to create an account to make my car payments.

This is my first time ever dealing with this bank. I always assumed they were a good bank, because they seem to be a small, personable bank.... unlike Bank of America Pakistan...

It created my account and never told me what my password was. Either that, or I just plain missed it. A follow up email explaining what my password is would be nice.

But that's beside the point.....

Since I don't know what my password is, I call them....

The lady tells me what my password is, but says that unfortunately, the only types of payments they do not take online are car payments......

Unfortunate for who? You or me?

Ok, so what are my options??

She tells me, either mail the payments, take them to a branch, or pay over the phone for a $5 fee.... A WHAT?!?!


But no..... jest, they do not....

So BB&T must be like the only fucking bank in the free World that doesn't take online car payments, and thinks I'm going to pay them $5 to give them my personal info over the phone....

Wake the fuck up! It's 2009....

And to think I took this loan to save 1/4 of a percent interest over my mostest favorite bank in the world: USAA

God I'm an idiot.....

But it's a lesson learned - Never again will I be banking with BB&T......

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

How to pour the perfect Black and Tan

Short answer: Buy you a Brutul Turtle

The Brutul Turtle is a device that sits on the top of your glass. After filling the glass halfway with your favorite "tan" beer (I use Harp), put the turtle on your glass, and slowly pour your favorite "black" beer on it's shell. This makes a perfectly layered black and tan everytime.

Before discovering the turtle, I always used the back of a spoon. While this works (most of the time), the turtle works ALL the time. Plus you don't get the huge mess that you get with a spoon when the beer runs down the handle, then down the outside of your glass!

If you'd like to pour the perfect black and tans, in the comfort of your own home, I highly recommend the Brutul Turtle. I keep mine in the freezer with all my pint glasses, so it's nice and chilled when I use it.

Here's a photo of a black and tan, poured with the turtle...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

IM Push Notification on iPhone

Ok, maybe I'm late to the game, but I've found a workaround for the lack of push notification for IMs on the iPhone...

First of all it requres IM+, the paid version, from Shape Services. Right now it is on sale for $7.99 instead of the original $9.99.

You also need unlimited texting, or it could get expensive.

IM+ is also really sweet because it also works with all your IM clients: AOL, Google, MSN, Facebook, MySpace, Yahoo, and Jabber.

First, there are a couple options in IM+ to setup. First, set it to keep you online even when ya close it. I set mine for 3 days. Then set it to email you when you get an IM.

Next set up your email address as [your cell phone number, including area code]

Now, when you receive an IM, even when the app is closed, you will receive notification via SMS. Then you just pop into IM+ and there's your message, waiting to be replied to....

Friday, April 24, 2009

DIY Ottoman

I finished up the ottoman for my wife today, so here's a little how-to post with some pics.

She wanted one that opens like a chest so she could store some things in it.

Tools needed:

Mandatory - Smokes and PBR!

Optional - everything else.....

You can make a great ottoman in your mind, without the need for any tools on a twelver of PBR....

But if you ACTUALLY want to make one, then you'll need:

An ottoman you made out of plywood.

I made the box a while ago, and don't have any pictures of that process, but just know this... To make an ottoman, you first need to make a wooden box.

Here's mine, 4' x 2' x 1.5' tall:

Why did I choose that size? Because it was originally going to be a casket for my 11 year old daughter who was reeeeeealy getting on my nerves that day.....

No, seriously, I'd never kill my daughter.....

I'd pay someone else to. I can't stand the sight of blood....

You'll also need:

Spray on Adhesive
Staple Gun (Remeber after the DIY Poker Table, we bought an electric one)
Upholstery Tacks
A Hammer (for the tacks of course)
2" foam
Some type of hinge device
A Screwdriver (Electric if you buy the hinge I did that takes 400,000 fucking screws)

Now that you have all your materials together, sit down and have a beer.

After you finish your PBR, take the lid of the box, then take some spray on adhesive, and spray it all over the top of the lid.

Then affix your 2" foam to it. Flip it foam side down and stand on it. My glue dried quickly.

Now, lie your box on it's side, and lay your batting out and get it where you want it, then lift one side, glue it, lift the other side and glue it. You want some to hang over both the top and bottom of the box, and wrap around the ends as well.

Depending on the length of your batting, you may be able to get 2,3 or maybe all 4 sides with one piece. Mine was too long for 2 sides, but too short for 3, so I trimmed it, glued it, then did the same with a second piece:

When I put the second piece on, I overlapped the first piece a little at each end:

Ok, so the batting is done, lay your box down and admire your badass skills!

Now, put the top on and say "oh shit yeah!"

And there you have it, your own DIY ottoman!! Kick back, relax, drink a beer......

Nah... Just fucking around... About the being done part. You still need to have your beer, then come back and finish up....

After your beer, flip the box back on it's side and cut a piece of cloth slightly bigger than the side.

I used "suede" to do mine, and it had this funky ass edge, so I cut it off....

Now staple down one side. Don't staple near the ends, as we have to do something in a bit before stapling those.

Now flip it on it's end and cut another piece of fabric slightly bigger than the end. Staple it down, keeping the fabric taunt. Fold the corners down to the bottom side of the box like you do a Christmas present.

And on the top side, fold the corners into the box, and staple.

Now were on to the long side ends, where we didn't staple before. But it's kind of a tricky part, so go grab a beer....

After your beer, your going to take the ends, and fold them over. I made mine overlap the end by 2". I just picked it cause it was easy to remember. If you want fatass ends, go for it. If you want tiny little petite ends, have at that too. I think the 2" folds look pretty good.

Fold the fabric, then overlap the end by however big you want your overlap, and tack it with an upholstery tack.

Go ahead and put a few tacks in it to keep it in place. These tacks are going to be in the finished product, so make sure you like where you put them, and the way they look.

Now pull the fold down the bottom of the box, and pull the other material over it. Again, sort of like wrapping a christmas present.

Staple it all up good, then trim off all the extra fabric on the bottom. Trim it to about 1" from the staples.

Now it should be all pretty like!!

Go have a celebratory smoke and beer!!

After that, just do the same thing for the other long side, and fold and tack the end again, and you should have something that is beginning to resemble furniture...

Now you can go add more tacks if you'd like. I put five tacks per fold. You can do more, you can do less... I don't know what harm is done in either scenario, so just do what you think looks good.

Now, flip the box, and do the other end piece and you two folds there, staple, and trim. The box is done! Go have another beer!

The top is easy. Just like in the DIY Poker Table, you just lay it on the fabric, pull and staple. Apparently after all those beers, I forgot to take pictures of this step. But it's simple. The hardest part is the corners, but if you just play with them, and pretend your wrapping a christmas present for yourself, you'll get it.

After you cover the top, lay it on the box.

Wow! That's dang purty! Another beer? Nah. lets go ahead and hinge this bastard first.

Now i fucked the hinge up. I always do. Me and hinges ain't never seen eye to eye, and if I got a hinge to put on something, you can bet safe money on me putting the hinge on twice.

Well this was no different.

I bought one of those long ass hinges. Im not sure what they're really for. Hell, they could really be for this exact application, but I'd never know. Any how, thats what I bought.

So I laid the box on it's back, on top of some 2x4's as the foam on the top is 2" thick. (Hey now, thats using your fucking noodle!)

And I opened the hinge flat and screwed it in! One side of the hinge against the bottom of the lid, the other along the back, inside wall of the box.

Fuck it! Looks good to me!
Lets close her up and see how she looks!

It might be a little difficult to see in that photo, but the lid is shifted about 1/4" forward. Or should I say shifted the width of the plywood used for the box, forward.... Dammit! Mounted the fucking hinge wrong!

Time for a pissed off, cry in my beer, beer....

Afterwards, I took the hinge off of the box, but left it on the lid, I'm sure the lid is good.

Instead of screwing it to the inside, back wall of the box, this time I screwed it to the top of the back wall. so it's like in the edge of the plywood.

It's kind of a bitch to do, and I had to enlist the help of my son, a stool, a Wii Fit board, and some magazines to get it to the right height. He held, I screwed.

Ok, lets close it, and see if I got it right this time....

Holy Mary! Mother of Jesus! It fits! And it looks gooooood!

But now, does it open?

Holy shit! johnny Fucking Carpenter does it again!!!

Now there's only one thing left.

Push it up next to your sofa.....

Kick back.... drink a beer.... and watch pirated movies!!!

Texas Thieves Had it Right in 2004

The Texas Thieves totally called this CraigsList Killer back in 2004... but their version was a guy buying classic cars.. not a dude cruising for a massage....

Add Video

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Norton Security Scan is a Piece of Shit!

The following is my opinion:

Norton Security Scan is MALWARE!!!

This piece of shit software continues to install itself on my PC.

Ever since the Norton tools were bought by Symantec, they have sucked ass and I would never install, nor would I ever recommend anyone install, one of their products.....

They claim to be a security company, but thats just a ruse.....

(turning the page)
I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

I beg your pardon!

(reading on)
Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to
trick me.
If their product weren't malware, then why shouldn't I be able to uninstall via Control Panel, or an UNINSTALL program?

This goddamn Security Scan piece of shit is the worst!

I've uninstalled it like 3 times in the past 4 months.

This is what I've done tonight:

Unistalled the piece of shit
Created a c:\Norton Security Scan directory
Left it empty, and made it READ ONLY
Lets see if it installs itself again......

Friday, April 03, 2009

Free Hyundai Accent SE with hat purchase

I got a FREE Hyundai Accent SE with the purchase of a $13,000 Hyundai Baseball cap!!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Dear Davoli

Back around 1990 or so, I witnessed a horrific act....
Someone physically damaged another person's property and totally blamed it on someone else.....

I've carried this with me for the past 19 years and feel I need to come clean....

I shall do so in Haiku form, in a poem I have aptly titled:

Dear Davoli

Beach trip and burned dress,
The culprit blamed it on Luke.
Poor boy! It was Tink!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

15 Minute Cinema - Wizards

Ok, I've chosen another Ralph Bakshi film for this 15 Minute Cinema.

Wizards... It's about the struggle between Technology and Magic after the holocaust.

It's a great movie, and another of my favorites.

Another hard to find movie as well, but I do know it is available on DVD.

Again, try Google Shopping.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Me vs. Republicans

I have given Republicans a lot of shit over the years.... And I'll admit, most of it was justified...

I typically don't like where they stand, and like even less where they vote....

However, my Congressman, Randy Forbes (Whom I voted against every election up until this election) is winning my heart every day....

He knows whats up with these bailouts!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

15 Minute Cinema - Streetfight

Todays 15 Minute Cinema is a film by Ralph Bakshi. Bakshi is probably most famous for the movie Cool World.... unfortunately, in my opinion, thats the worst movie he's done....

Streetfight was originally named Coonskin, but it received so much backlash from Black Leaders who had never even seen the film, it was retitled. Since then, it has been called Bakshi's best film ever.

It's full of symbolism and a ton of racial stereotypes. Pokes fun at blaxploitation, Song of the South, and the Godfather.

It's a great movie, unfortunately, it's hard as hell to find. I first saw it back in the early 80's, but had to resort to eBay to get myself a copy, paying around $45-$50 for a VHS copy. I don't think it was ever released on DVD.

There is a TON left out of this movie, so again.... if you can find it, BUY IT!! The full length movie is TREMENDOUS!!!

I think I ran 1 second over 15 minutes on this one - I'm still trying to figure out iMovie and my Mac.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

15 Minute Cinema - Barfly

This is the first, of new content I will posting here, called 15 Minute Cinema....

I will take movies that I think are awesome, and shorten them down to 15 minutes, while still conveying the complete story.

This first post is a sweet movie, written by Charles Bukowski. It's called Barfly, and stars Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway.

After watching my 15 Minute Cinema version, if you like it, I strongly suggest buying the movie. It's 1000 times better. I just want to give people an easy way to find good movies.

It's a hard to find movie, but you can check Google Shopping for starters.