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Friday, December 09, 2005

Fun With Cancer

My wife says I'm going to die from cancer cause I smoke like a chimney.
Therefore it is my god given right to make fun of cancer.

Here is the begining of my childrens book I'm working on called 'Fun
with Cancer'

Chapter one

See Dick?
See Dick die?
Dick has cancer.
See Jane cry?
Shut the fuck up Jane!

Chapter two

See Dicks dad?
He has a hole in his throat.
It's called a tracheotomy.
Light up another one pop!

Chapter three

See Janes mom.
What is odd about her?
She only has one boob.
Uni-boob!

Chapter four

See Spot?
Spot has a lump on his head.
I wonder what it is.
Let's poke it with a pencil.
Poor spot....

Chapter five

See Jane?
She's all grown up now.
She's a hillbilly.
She chews tobacco.
Well, she did until the doctors had to cut off her cheek and lips .

That's all I got so far. Its a work in progress. I need someone to
illustrate it, because I can't draw for shit.

Haiku

I haven't posted anything in a while, so here's a haiku inspired by the
Beatles...

I am the eggman
And I'm also the walrus
So ku-ku-kachoo

Basketball goal pt. 2

After the concrete around the pole sets for a day or two, mix up
another
small bag of concrete. Pour this into the previously mounted pole,
ensuring you do not fill up over the mounting holes for the upper
poles.

Put together the rest of the goal in your garage, and a day or two of
letting the concrete inside the pole set, with a friend, put the top
half of the goal onto the one set in the cement.

Screw the poles together, then on a ladder, take a block of wood and
set
it on top, then bang it several times with a hammer. This makes the top
half sit tighter on the bottom.

That's it!

Not too bad....

How to fillet a catfish

First thing you need to do is catch a catfish. :)

Then, nail its head to a tree.

Take a very sharp fillet knife, and cut a line across the back of it's
neck. Just enough to break the skin.

Take some pliers, and grab the skin and pull it down. You should be
able to rip off all the skin in just a couple pieces.


After it is skinned, take your knife and run it down one side of its
spine. This should create a nice little start for the fillet. While
pulling the fillet away from the fish with one hand, continually run
your knife VERY LIGHTLY down the cut. You can feel the ribcage and other
bones. DO NOT BUST OPEN THE RIBCAGE OR CUT THE OTHER BONES!!



Cut across the side of the fish just above its tail. This will allow
the fillet to separate.

Just keep running your knife down the cut, feeling the bones, and
cutting around them.

When you get down to the belly, you need to pull the fillet away from
the fish while lightly, continually running your knife down the cut. This
will eventually break way, and the fillet should come off in your hand.


Filleting this way prevents you from having to gut the fish, and gives
you a nice boneless fillet.


After you finish one side, do the same to the other side.


You will then have 2 nice fillets.

Smoke a cig, and admire your 'Jenny Craig' skills when it comes to
fish.

Take the fillets inside and wash off the blood. The blood will give it
a tainted taste.

Marinade, and cook!

Enjoy!

Basketball goal

I installed a basketball goal last night.

Its not really at all difficult. The hardest part was digging the hole.

Dig a hole 18 inches across and 24 inches deep. Fill it with concrete.
(It took 3 80 pound bags for me)

Take the bottom piece of the pole, and make a mark at 14 inches from
the
bottom.

Put the bottom post in the concrete and grab a level, and level it.
Make
sure the 14 inch mark is flush with the top of the concrete.

You also need to make sure that the mounting holes are aligned so that
the backboard will be parallel to the playing surface.

Now gather the family and the family pet and make sure to put hand
prints in the cement.

We covered the pole as shown because it was supposed to rain.

The concrete needs to set for a couple days before putting the rest of
it together, so ill post more as I do more.

DIY Bathroom Remodeling Part III

Ok, laying tile is relatively easy. You just need a wet saw. I bought
one
for 60 bux at Lowes. It's a hunk of junk, but it worked, and if I get
one
more
use out of it I'll have saved money, cause last time I laid tile I
rented a
wetsaw, and it cost about 50 or 60 bux.

Clean the floor really well. It can't be too clean. You want to scrape
any
big paint globs or sheetrock mud blobs that are dried up on the floor.

After you're done sweeping, sweep it again.

Next, get yourself a trowel with really big teeth on it. When you are
spreading the glue, you want it thick. Spread glue over the entire
floor.
And give it a few to tacky up a bit.

It's best if you can square the room, and lay chalk lines to start on,
but
being the bathroom is typically a small area, just line the tile against
the
wall, and go from there.

It's best to start in such a way that you will have minimal cuts to
make. So
take the size of the tile you are laying and figure out if it's best to
start against the wall, or a certain amount off of the wall so your
last
pieces are not tiny little pieces that are a pain to cut.

I lay all the whole piece tiles before I do any cuts so you can make
sure
everything is tight and snug.

When making your cuts, just lay a piece of tile on the piece right next
to
where the piece you cut will go, then lay another piece on top of that
one,
and butt it up against the wall. Draw a line on the middle piece at the
end
of the top piece. That is where you will cut it.

Go out to the wet saw, cut it, and you should have a perfect fit.

After the tile is all laid, you should wait a while before grouting to
allow
the glue to take hold. About 30 mins or an hour is good. Go drink a few
beers and then it should be time.

Mix up the grout in a bucket, and grab a float. Spread the grout around
the
tile ensuring all the holes between the pieces are filled. Also fill
any
holes around the door jamb and trim if you dont want to caulk it.

After applying the grout, wait about 30 minutes to an hour (Go drink a
couple more beers) then return with a bucket of clean water and a
sponge.
Use the sponge to wipe up all of the excess grout that is on the tiles.

After this, let the tile and grout sit for about 24 hours before walking
on
it. (I didnt wait, and had a few pop up on me. If you have some popup,
simply use something to spread some glue on the back, and put it back
in
place. You will of course have to regrout this particular tile.)

Now, if you are using the same sink and toilet you removed, simply put
them
back on the way you took them off. But that wouldn't exactly be
remodeling
now would it?

So I put in a new toilet and a new vanity, rather than a wallmount
sink.

The new toilet came in two parts, the bowl, and the tank.

I also laid the new tile overtop of the old tile, so now the toilet
sits
higher. This means I had to use (2) two wax rings for the toilet instead
of
the one I previously had on it.

Simply put the wax ring(s) on the hole in the floor (be sure to remove
the
cup too - duh!) and stand up the bolts that the toilet mounts too. It
may
take some time, or you may emlist the help of a friend (or your wife. I
guess your wife is a friend too, so whatever), and have them try to hold
the
bolts up while you put the bowl down onto them. Once the bowl is down
over
the bolts, simply tighten the nuts down on them. BE SURE YOU DONT
OVERTIGHTEN, AS IT IS POSSIBLE TO CRACK THE BOWL!!

Mounting the tank is pretty easy. Just put it down on the bowl, and put
the
two bolts down thru the tank through the bowl. Reach under the bowl and
screw on the nuts. I found it easier to hold the nut with pliers while
turning the bolt from inside the tank.

Pour a pot of water into the bowl to make it "flush". Check for leaks.
If
there aren't any, pour a pot of water into the tank. Check for leaks.
Flush
it. Check for leaks.

Attach the hose from the water supply to the bottom of the tank.

Turn on the water. Check for leaks.

Toilet is installed yay! Take a celebratory leak! After all the beer
you
drank waiting for the glue and grout to set, you'll need it.

Ok, the vanity was pretty easy too. Just put it against the wall where
you
want it, and take a stud finder to find two studs to mount it to. Screw
it
into the studs.

Put a beading of caulk around the top of the vanity, and put the vanity
top
(sink) onto it and press it down firmly. Don't do like I did and try to
use
the sink to pull yourself up off the floor, because it wont pull you
up.
You'll just end up with a lapfull of sink, and caulk all over you.

Now installing the faucet is easy. Ours has the little pole you pull up
on
down to open/close the sink. Simply put the drain itself into the hole
in
the bottom of the sink and tighten it up. Install the bars for the
drain
control, and mount the faucet. It's easy so I'm not even going to go
into
it.

If you are like me - nothing ever goes right, so the "J" bend pipe
(trap)
that I got doesnt fit. I saw some flex tube "J" bends that I am going
to
pick up tonight and use it.

After that, simply install some moulding around the floor, and you got
yourself a new bathroom!

Yeah, I know - We still got a blue tub. Well that may come in a later
part,
as we are looking into options for that. But for now, my wife got a
shower
curtain that matches the rest of the bathroom, and has some blue in it
as
well, so it works for now.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

DIY Bathroom Remodeling Part B

Ok, well I lied. I said I was going to finish it up in this part, but
there
will be at least 1 more part to follow.

This part of the job I was afraid to do myself. If you're good at doing
sheetrock mud, or are feeling adventurous, go right ahead. I knew I'd
screw
it up, so I called my buddy Wade who is a sheetrock pro, and he did it
for
me for 200 bux.

It took about 50 pounds of sheetrock mud, and three trips for him to get
it
done, but after he was, the bottom half of the wall (that's the part he
redid) looked 500 times better than the top!!

I don't know alot about sheetrock mudding, so this post is mainly
pictures.
All I can tell you is that he spread it on, sanded, spread it on,
sanded,
spread it on, sanded, spread it on, sanded, etc...

After it was all dry, my wife did the painting (as seen in the last
couple
pics.) The pictures don't do it justice, but here is how she did it, in
her
own words:

Pick a base (or bottom) color--this color won't show to much. I picked
a
gray. Then a top color (I picked white)After the gray dried completely
(I
let it dry for at least 2 hours) mix the top coat with 1:1 parts glaze.
Roll
the wall once or twice then take saran wrap and "pull" that paint off.
Do
this in all directions so you don't have the same pattern. Change saran
wrap
sheets as they fill with paint. If working by yourself pull lots of
saran
sheets out so you won't have to stop in the middle of your work and get
paint all over the unused saran wrap. It gives the room a marble look.

You will have paint covered hands if you don't wear gloves!! I used
latex
paint so it was easy to wash off.

It turned out really nice.

More to come in part 3.

DIY Bathroom Remodeling Part 1

Well, my wife gets the wise idea to remodle our bathroom. Well, she has
the idea, but it will be ME whom is doing the work.

First I started with a putty knife and a hammer, and began removing the
tile from the walls. Be careful while doing this so as to not tear up the
sheetrock too bad.

As I made my way around the room, I removed the fixtures as I came to
them.

The toilet is simple. Just turn off the water coming from the wall.
Then flush the toilet. Next use a plastic cup to hand remove the leftover
water from the bowl.

Disconnect the water line with a pair of channel-locks or the like.

Remove the two bolts on either side of the toilet that hold it to the
floor. Get a buddy (or your wife) to help you lift the toilet and put it in
the tub.

**NOTE** Be sure you have a piece of cardboard or plastic or something
inside the tub to set the toilet on. There is old funky wax on the
bottom of the toilet that will get all over the tub if you don't!!
Also, take a plastic cup or something to plug the hole in the floor, so
no sewer gas comes up into the house. Just make sure the cup is big enough
so it doesnt fall down into the hole. You just want to plug it!

I had to call my brother for instructions on removing the sink, but that
too is simple.

Again, turn off the water, and disconnect the lines. Losen the nuts on
either side of the "J" bend pipe (or trap - whatever you call it). Mine
fell straight off. Be sure to have a bucket under it, because a little water
will come out as well.

After everything is disconnected, it lifted right up off the bracket
that is mounted to the wall. Who'd have thunk the sink itself isn't bolted to
the wall anywhere??

Anyways, then finish removing the tile.

What you're left with isn't pretty, but it is usable if you weren't
real rough removing the tile!

In part 2 we will finish it all up.